A Dear John, For England
by Insane Novelist
Summary: A Dear John letter is usually when someone writes a break-up letter to someone in the military. So, what happens when England receives his own Dear John from America? This can't end well... Part 3: Did You Really Sleep With France?
1. Chapter 1

**I knew I had to write this as soon as we went over the America Revolution in class, it was staring me in the face! I hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia…**

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_A Dear John, For England_

It was just another day for England, although he has been having a hard time with America lately. He didn't mean for those acts and laws passed by his Parliament to mean any harm, honest. It's just trying to keep France away during the French and Indian War cost him tons of debt. He knew he was being a little harsh with America, but he would thank him someday for it. As England continued with his day with an afternoon of tea and scones, he found a letter on the table that read '_Dear Britain_.' Of course curious as to what this was for, he opened it and began reading.

_'Dear Britain,_

_Since the War a few years ago, I've noticed how much we've grown apart. You like tea, I drink coffee, you eat manure scones while I eat cheeseburgers which are totally a hero's meal- don't know why you give me that fish and chips crap when your chips are really fries. Also, I hate it how you leave me out of your entire decision making; seriously, I got some good ideas too, like making every Friday- wait for it… Casual Friday? Seeing the awesomeness yet? What about those super cool superheroes like Mega Man or Uncle Sam (Captain America can kick James Bond's ass any day)? Leonardo DeCaprio is smart enough to see genius and he painted the Mona Lisa. And she's really ugly! Plus your cooking sucks and the clothes you make me wear are tight and itchy. We do have cotton here to use! How come I can only hang out with you? Sometimes I want to talk to Spain, Dude! Seriously, that guy can party! You also don't know how to have fun and its creepy how you cast those creepy spells (Yes, I know you do that, you suck at hiding secrets. Also, I didn't know you wore bikini underwear). _

_ So this is where it gets awkward… Yeah, I've sort of declared my independence this July and my buddies in congress kind of hate your guts. Mostly Jeffy T. since he wrote that Declaration with a bunch of complaints about King Georgie. Like how you're bossy, your people don't know how to bathe, I can't remember the last time you brushed your teeth, and you mumble curses in your sleep. That really scares me. I also can't talk to the other countries in Europe, what the hell's with that? So basically, we're gonna kick your ass out of the country and lead ourselves. _

_ Hate your guts,_

_ America_

_P.S. _

_ I've been sleeping with France…'_

England couldn't believe what he was reading… "How the hell did he find out about the bikini underwear?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi again! I wasn't going to put up another chapter for this but I changed my mind. I hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia**

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_A Dear John, For England: Part Two- Bikini Underwear_

That moment scarred America for many years… It happened in an instant, his innocence- gone. He never saw Britain the same way again. The day that changed the course of his life, was the day he found bikini underwear in Britain's drawers.

The day that Britain left America alone for a while was the day that young America decided to go exploring around the huge house. Kid America discovered many things like a lame book by some guy named John Locke- something about _natural rights_ and a super-cool pop drink called coca-cola, along with a recipe for enormous burgers along with ice cream and smores. Never had America felt so alive with the sugar rush and grease of junk food.

"I wonder why my big brother didn't show any of this to me! This stuff rocks! Although it's weird that he hid that book really well, what am I gonna do with that? I already have a hard time reading. But this food is way better than that funky fish and chips," he said aloud still munching on everything as unhealthy as possible.

After some time of stuffing his face, he laid himself on the floor in a daze. He then held a belching contest with himself, he won.

"I wonder what other things Mr. Britain is hiding in the house," America asked himself as he got up and started walking around the endless hallways. He continued walking until he finally found himself in front of England's door, shut as usual.

"Mr. Britain never lets me in his room… But he's not here to tell me no! Ha-ha!" he busted the door open and landed ninja style. He looked around to see everything bland and boring from the bedding to the furniture. America began walking around and noticed Britain's wooden drawers were opened. But one in particular caught his eye as it appeared to have something sticking out.

"I wonder what that is," he said as he walked over to the object. He picked up the clothe and stretched it wide with both his hands. It was tiny and it seemed similar his underwear, except it looked like it would expose more than his boxer.

"I don't know why, but this looks very wrong. This looks like something that girls wear. Oh no," America's eyes widen with terror. "Don't tell me that… that… that Mr. Britain is actually… a Mrs. Britain?!"

….

"And that's how I found out that you were a woman! Man did that explain a lot. Ha-ha!" America laughed.

England just looked at him, not knowing what to say at America's absolute stupidity. "America, you have proven to me the many absolute levels of stupidity in your mind that it scares me. I mean it, it truly terrifies me. But this is where I question myself in how the hell did I lose a war to a dumbass like you?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Alright, get ready for part 3. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia**

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_A Dear John, For England: Part 3-Did You Really Sleep With France?_

The question had been on his mind for years. England could not get it out of his head, so many sleepless nights. He didn't know whether he needed the answer out of jealousy or curiosity, all he knew was that he needed to know. It had been push to the farthest corner of his brain, but now he couldn't escape the question. Did America really sleep with France?

It was too late to not ask since Britain already knocked on America's door waiting for him to answer as he stood on his porch. He was greeted by a "Yo! Britain-dude, what's up?"

"Yes, hello, America," Britain dragged.

"So, what do ya want?" America asked as he leaned against his door.

"Actually, I came to ask you a question."

America groaned, "Ugh, does this mean I have to do the polite thing and invite you inside?"

Britain rolled his eyes, "I believe it would be better if I stayed outside."

"Okay. So what's the question?"

Britain took a brave breath, "Do you remember the letter you sent me about that _thing_?"

America was in thought for a second, "Oh, you mean the one I sent you before I kicked your ass?"

"YOU BIG MAC-WENKER! YOU DID NOT KICK MY ARSE!" England shouted while his arms went crazy.

"Right and I didn't get my independence," America said sarcastically.

Britain face-palmed, "Fine, believe whatever you want! Anyways, do you remember what you wrote at the end of the letter? About France?" he quivered.

America gave him a confused look and thought about it a little bit more, then a light bulb flickered above his head, "Oh yeah, now I do! What about it?" he said giving a goofy grin.

Britain cleared his throat as his face turned red, "I want to know if it's true?"

"If what's true?" America replied like he knew nothing.

"ARE YOU STUPID?! I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU SLEPT WITH THAT FROG-FACE! HOW I LOST TO A BURGER-LOVING WENKER LIKE YOU I'LL NEVER KNOW!" He screamed.

"So you admit that I beat you. I knew you'd come out of denial eventually, Dr. Phil said so," America said as he cockily folded his arms.

"JUST ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION!"

"Ha-ha, dude, you're so uptight. Of course I didn't have sex with France."

Britain stared at him, "Really? Then why did you say that you were sleeping with France?"

"Weeeelll," America said, "Do you remember those acts you put out?"

"Yes, what about it?"

"Well, because of the heavy taxation, I couldn't afford firewood and I was freezing my berries off. So, France offered to share his bed with me. I did that for a while. But his breath smelled really bad and for some reason, I always woke up in my underwear while he was lying on top of me… I was in fear for my life," America shuddered.

"But… wha?" England mouthed.

"Thanks man for stopping by!" and America slammed the door in his face leaving him outside.


End file.
